first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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