She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
