the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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