and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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