Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i was born a porn star she said
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
