I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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