He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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