I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Randomize
