She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
