Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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