I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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