I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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