walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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