Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Use "feeling words"
Yay
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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