he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
