Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
