I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
