At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
my nose is crying tears of wow.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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