WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
