are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
