He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
