Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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