Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
