batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize