I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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