Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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