How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
