I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
