He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
