: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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