you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
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Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
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And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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