I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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