don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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