Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I wish there were birth control emojis
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
