If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
