hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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