I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
