Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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