the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
birth control should be required to get into college
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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