I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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