glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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