her vagine was all disorganized.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
