the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
