once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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