I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
