My friends, they love my intelligence
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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