I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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