i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
