i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
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My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
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that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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