I want to walk on stilts...naked
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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