I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just pee around me
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
