he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
