My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just invented taco cereal.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
